I was called to speak in meeting today, but somehow I didn’t. It was only a small point but it was trying to get out, so here it is.
A Friend spoke in meeting today about social justice and our relationship with God. What, he asked, is the point in being angry with God? It achieves nothing.
Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes anger distracts from purpose, serves as an excuse for inaction. Being angry with God can be a convenient position to take. It can allow for one to distance oneself from any sense of personal responsibility from the cause or for the solution to an issue, and it can let one put up boundaries that hinder necessary healing.
But sometimes anger is the healthy option. It’s too easy to get caught up in the sense that ‘quakers are never angry’. Inner peace is often seen as a measure of success. Our quaker predecessors, however, used their inner disquiet in much the way that quakers and others are doing now, quietly but passionately all over the world, to heal and create change.
Shelia Bovell wrote in 1988 on the intense reactions she experienced on the loss of a much loved child.
A God we cannot be honest with is no God. If we bow the head and say, Thy will be done, when our heart is aflame with protest, we only increase our own pain.
This interpretation of a very real interaction with God speaks very clearly to me. Without real, honest communication with the divine, however you interpret it, how can you feel led to action in any meaningful way? Without truthfully, openly examining the darkest feelings and reactions I have to a situation, an issue, a leading, how can I freely and willingly give what’s required of me?
I spent much of last year (and this) screaming and crying at a God who refused to stop existing but couldn’t, or wouldn’t, make everything ok. When I paused for breath (and because I’d temporarily run out of hurtful, hateful things to say)I found I wasn’t weeping alone.
That certainty wasn’t a new feeling for me but it’s one I’ve found useful. From this experience I found new strength to fight my way through the pain and fear and discover what new paths it might take me on, what new challenges might be in my future and ultimately how I could use my my experience and my anger to make myself useful to others.
I intend to put my inner disquiet to good use, as a valuable tool alongside my inner peace. I invite all of you to do the same.
